Saving The World One Bingo Board Battle At A Time
Early today I was conducting a poll of Florida voters and I learned two important things rather quickly. One, I am surrounded by a bunch of animate rocks passing themselves off as humans and two, not a single solitary voting rock had a clue what Stolen Honor was or that Sinclair was doing a special about it. Having decided that American needs to see this program I decided the poll can wait and called for action. I also called my mother and told her we were going to war. Our plan is to blanket the area with posters alerting all New Port Richites to watch WTTA Friday night at 8pm or be forever Doomed.
I am just back from the first run. We ran off 8 mini-posters and left the house armed with a roll of packing tape and a box of straight pins. The weight of the mission laid heavily on my mind. If we can get our signs taped up in the right places perhaps people will see Stolen Honor and enough minds will be changed. Evil will have been vanquished. It occurred to me we were trying to save the world with straight pins and packing tape.
The first stop was the local Walgreens. Mom guarded the car while I sized up the place. Entry went smoothly but I ran into a snag while trying to locate my target. Seems nobody has a bulletin board anymore! I was standing in the front entrance eyeing the walls while holding my sign in one hand and industrial roll of packing tape in the other. My straight pins were stuck in my W NUFF SAID t-shirt. I was locked and loaded.
Suddenly I was spotted by an unfriendly. A woman with big gray hair and fire in her eyes. She was armed with a WALGREENS EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH badge and a royal blue apron. Our eyes met and she told me telepathically that if I put that sign up on HER wall I was going down and so was my sign. When she looked away I slipped out.
I wasn't about to give up. I stepped around a concrete column, out of HairHags line of sight. I sized up the concrete and decided the grooves were too deep to effect good stickage. Things were looking grim indeed.
No way I was going to admit defeat. Not even if I had to tape the thing to my body and stand in the lobby! As I contemplated our next move I leaned against a Newspaper box and it came to me. Divine Inspiration. Fishing 2 quarters from my pocket I deposited them and opened the door. I carefully slid my poster into the display window in front of the display paper and closed the door. Mission Accomplished!
Next stop was so simple it hardly bears mentioning. We pulled into a seniors MH condominium plaza (aka: trailer park for old Yankees) and hunted down the club house. Since it was BINGO night this was as easy as following the signs. I parked and boldly walked directly to the front door with my pre-taped sign ready to stick to the first flat surface I found. Inside I discovered there wasn't a soul around. I said, HELLO HELLO very sweetly (if not very loudly) and proceeded to stick my sign right in the middle of the big bingo bulletin board! Mission Accomplished!
The Bingo signs had given us another idea. Off we went to find another Bingo hall! Now this being Florida I have to tell you that it is not very hard to find a place to play Bingo. We drove about 2 blocks and saw another sign pointing us to the Civic Center it said "Bingo Tonight". Things were looking up. The Civic Center appeared just a few more blocks down the road and this time I waltzed right in the door with my pre-taped sign and my straight pins stuck in my W NUFF SAID t-shirt. I was greeted by THREE white coifed, immaculatly dressed, bejeweled, perfumed and made up Bulletin Board Guards! Bingo started at 5:45, it was 4:15 and they were loaded for bear. At first they didn't seem to notice my sign and tried to sell me BINGO cards. I used the distraction to my advantage and lulled them in complacency with idle chatter about how lucky I was to have found a local BINGO Hall. When I ran out of BINGO questions I causally mentioned I was looking for a place I could hang my sign and I glanced at the bulletin Board. Six eyes narrowed to little slits and three Ruby Pink Painted sets of lips pursed as they examined my sign. I felt like I was trying to smuggle drugs into an elementary school. Then, the Grand Puba Bulletin Board Guard bristled. I could tell she was the Grand Puba because when she crossed her arms over her very, VERY, large chest the other two BBGs leaned way back out of her line of fire.
She said, "Which party is it from?" You could have heard a pin drop. I knew if I didn't handle her carefully, I could blow the mission and bring doom down on the world. And I knew she wasn't going to be hoodwinked either. It was time for Drastic Measures.
I smiled my sweetest and most charming smile and explained it wasn't either party that made the film but that it was made by POWs of the Vietnam war and they just wanted to get their story told. She gave me the look that says keep talking because I know there is more to it than that.
So I said, "It will have political ramifications probably, but neither party put it together and neither party is endorsing it. That is why I didn't put anything about either democrats or republicans on the sign. We just want people to see the program and make up their own minds."
Silence. She didn't give me a hint what she thought of my explanation. One of the lesser Guards fidgetted. I was in sales once upon another life. I know how these stand offs work. She who speaks first looses. I was silent. Grand Puba was silent. Apparently she was in sales once too.
Suddenly the unexpected happened. The smallest of the Guards stood up to her full 4' 11" statue and leaned over the table. Balancing precariously on her walking cane she snatched the sign right out of my hands! With a singular purpose she marched, and I mean MARCHED, the entire three feet to the bulletin board and she slapped that baby right in the middle. She looked at me and she said, "that'll be just fine!"
I could have hugged her right in half. She nodded at the Grand Puba as if to say, "YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?" and low and behold the Puba uncrossed her arms and SHRUGGED. And so this is how the world was saved.
The truth was the only way I was getting past The Grand Puba and her Bulletin Board Guards. And the Truth is what will save this country, indeed the whole world from the Evil Duck Hunter. The Truth and a roll of packing tape.
I am just back from the first run. We ran off 8 mini-posters and left the house armed with a roll of packing tape and a box of straight pins. The weight of the mission laid heavily on my mind. If we can get our signs taped up in the right places perhaps people will see Stolen Honor and enough minds will be changed. Evil will have been vanquished. It occurred to me we were trying to save the world with straight pins and packing tape.
The first stop was the local Walgreens. Mom guarded the car while I sized up the place. Entry went smoothly but I ran into a snag while trying to locate my target. Seems nobody has a bulletin board anymore! I was standing in the front entrance eyeing the walls while holding my sign in one hand and industrial roll of packing tape in the other. My straight pins were stuck in my W NUFF SAID t-shirt. I was locked and loaded.
Suddenly I was spotted by an unfriendly. A woman with big gray hair and fire in her eyes. She was armed with a WALGREENS EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH badge and a royal blue apron. Our eyes met and she told me telepathically that if I put that sign up on HER wall I was going down and so was my sign. When she looked away I slipped out.
I wasn't about to give up. I stepped around a concrete column, out of HairHags line of sight. I sized up the concrete and decided the grooves were too deep to effect good stickage. Things were looking grim indeed.
No way I was going to admit defeat. Not even if I had to tape the thing to my body and stand in the lobby! As I contemplated our next move I leaned against a Newspaper box and it came to me. Divine Inspiration. Fishing 2 quarters from my pocket I deposited them and opened the door. I carefully slid my poster into the display window in front of the display paper and closed the door. Mission Accomplished!
Next stop was so simple it hardly bears mentioning. We pulled into a seniors MH condominium plaza (aka: trailer park for old Yankees) and hunted down the club house. Since it was BINGO night this was as easy as following the signs. I parked and boldly walked directly to the front door with my pre-taped sign ready to stick to the first flat surface I found. Inside I discovered there wasn't a soul around. I said, HELLO HELLO very sweetly (if not very loudly) and proceeded to stick my sign right in the middle of the big bingo bulletin board! Mission Accomplished!
The Bingo signs had given us another idea. Off we went to find another Bingo hall! Now this being Florida I have to tell you that it is not very hard to find a place to play Bingo. We drove about 2 blocks and saw another sign pointing us to the Civic Center it said "Bingo Tonight". Things were looking up. The Civic Center appeared just a few more blocks down the road and this time I waltzed right in the door with my pre-taped sign and my straight pins stuck in my W NUFF SAID t-shirt. I was greeted by THREE white coifed, immaculatly dressed, bejeweled, perfumed and made up Bulletin Board Guards! Bingo started at 5:45, it was 4:15 and they were loaded for bear. At first they didn't seem to notice my sign and tried to sell me BINGO cards. I used the distraction to my advantage and lulled them in complacency with idle chatter about how lucky I was to have found a local BINGO Hall. When I ran out of BINGO questions I causally mentioned I was looking for a place I could hang my sign and I glanced at the bulletin Board. Six eyes narrowed to little slits and three Ruby Pink Painted sets of lips pursed as they examined my sign. I felt like I was trying to smuggle drugs into an elementary school. Then, the Grand Puba Bulletin Board Guard bristled. I could tell she was the Grand Puba because when she crossed her arms over her very, VERY, large chest the other two BBGs leaned way back out of her line of fire.
She said, "Which party is it from?" You could have heard a pin drop. I knew if I didn't handle her carefully, I could blow the mission and bring doom down on the world. And I knew she wasn't going to be hoodwinked either. It was time for Drastic Measures.
I smiled my sweetest and most charming smile and explained it wasn't either party that made the film but that it was made by POWs of the Vietnam war and they just wanted to get their story told. She gave me the look that says keep talking because I know there is more to it than that.
So I said, "It will have political ramifications probably, but neither party put it together and neither party is endorsing it. That is why I didn't put anything about either democrats or republicans on the sign. We just want people to see the program and make up their own minds."
Silence. She didn't give me a hint what she thought of my explanation. One of the lesser Guards fidgetted. I was in sales once upon another life. I know how these stand offs work. She who speaks first looses. I was silent. Grand Puba was silent. Apparently she was in sales once too.
Suddenly the unexpected happened. The smallest of the Guards stood up to her full 4' 11" statue and leaned over the table. Balancing precariously on her walking cane she snatched the sign right out of my hands! With a singular purpose she marched, and I mean MARCHED, the entire three feet to the bulletin board and she slapped that baby right in the middle. She looked at me and she said, "that'll be just fine!"
I could have hugged her right in half. She nodded at the Grand Puba as if to say, "YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?" and low and behold the Puba uncrossed her arms and SHRUGGED. And so this is how the world was saved.
The truth was the only way I was getting past The Grand Puba and her Bulletin Board Guards. And the Truth is what will save this country, indeed the whole world from the Evil Duck Hunter. The Truth and a roll of packing tape.
posted by Tess at 10/21/2004 06:39:00 PM
<< Home